There ain't nothing more depressing than a pine treeGussied up candy canes and ballsThose carolers have kept me up for hoursIt's "Merry Christmas" seeping through my wallsNow I'm no wiccan commie nut or nothingBut there's one damn holiday that I can't standIt ain't Halloween or Thanksgiving or even April FoolsBut it'll surely make a fool out of every manHa!If I ain't drunk then it ain't ChristmasYou know where to stick those Jingle BellsIf I ain't hammered it ain't HanukkahAnd all you motherf*ckers go to hellIf I ain't cock-eyed then it ain't KwanzaaJoy to the world and Jack and CokesIf I ain't drunk then it ain't Christmas'Cause I ain't never anything but brokeNow every year the malls are just a madhouseFull of empty pockets, thoughts and smilesJust the smell of eggnog makes me vomitAnd those colored lights are f*cking infantileI think we collectively as a peopleShould rise against this corporate jolly noiseAnd tell the world "Let's buy some piece and quiet for a change"Before we spend it all on f*cking toys.Ha!So if I ain't drunk then it ain't ChristmasYou know where to stick those Jingle BellsIf I ain't hammered it ain't HanukkahFa la la la la go f*ck yourself!If I ain't cock-eyed it ain't KwanzaaJoy to the world of getting stonedIf I ain't drunk then it ain't ChristmasSo leave this God damn Scrooge the f*ck alone.Ha!Merry f*cking Christmas!